


it’s because u don’t floss

by zeejacks



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Domestic Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow, Fluff, Fluffy Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow, Vampires, also everyone likes bazs teeth, baz also has a lisp its canon, everyone knows penny is smart, fangs, mild mild angst, vampire science ?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 04:24:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17911973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeejacks/pseuds/zeejacks
Summary: this just in: baz doesn’t know how to fuckin brush his teeth (and his fangs pay the price)





	it’s because u don’t floss

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday baz!!!!

Simon woke to the sound of water running in the bathroom. The bed’s left side was empty. He slowly opened his eyes, the bright morning sun warming the room as it poured through the blinds. He let himself just relax in the soft bed sheets while he waited for his love to return. His love didn’t make him wait long. 

“Morning, darling,” Simon greeted as soon as Baz reentered the room. He sat down on his part of the bed, smiling down at Simon. 

“Good morning, love.” Simon sat up, turning and setting his right hand on the back of Baz’s neck, pulling him in for a kiss. Baz giggled, and wrapped one arm around Simon’s waist, the other propping him up on the mattress. They broke apart and rested their foreheads together. Baz huffed and tilted his mouth to meet Simon’s again. Simon deepened the kiss, not expecting a bite. Literally. 

“Gah!” He exclaimed, pulling back quickly. Baz did as well, a shimmer in his eye, and a hand over his mouth. 

“I’m sorry,” he rushed, words slightly slurred and muffled, “I’m so sorry, sunshine, I didn't mean to do that.” He had a kicked-puppy expression on his face, and Simon hurried to comfort him. 

“No, it’s okay. I know, babe, I know.” And he was-- the mild sting was more of a surprise, rather than any actual discomfort. It didn’t even draw any blood. Getting a closer look at Baz, he saw there was more than emotional pain written in his face. “Are you okay?” Baz shook his head. 

“It hurts,” he explained, not fully enunciating the t’s and lisping slightly on the s’. Simon cocked his head in confusion. Baz hesitantly lowered his hand and bared his teeth for Simon to see. 

“Woah, babe,” Simon said, real concern in his voice, “you’re bleeding.” Baz let out an inelegant, open-mouthed grunt, and clicked his mouth shut. Simon stopped him, putting a hand near Baz’s mouth, “No, wait, let me look.” 

Ever-so-gently pulling back Baz’s lips to view his gums, Simon furrowed his brows. His fangs always popped out from above and below his top and bottom teeth, close to where his gums met his lips. Usually, there was a clean slit for them to extend and retract into, but right now, the surrounding area looked inflamed and swollen. Thin trails of blood leaked from the openings, tinging the usual bright white with subtle pink. 

“What did you _do_ to your mouth?” Simon huffed, and retracted his fingers from Baz’s mouth. Baz blushed with shame. 

“Nothing! At least, I don’t _think_ I did anything,” he amended. 

“I think you should show Penny.” 

“What? Why?” 

“Because,” Simon said, matter-of-factly, “she’s smart. And you could use a smart opinion.” 

“ _Fine_ ,” Baz conceded. 

When Penny examined his mouth, somehow in an even _more_ invasive way than Simon had, she scoffed. 

“Damn,” she said, “you really did a number on these babies.” Baz squirmed uncomfortably. 

“Are you done?” He asked impatiently, but it sounded more like “ _Ah you uh?_ ” She removed her hands and wiped them on her pants. There was a thoughtful expression on her face. 

“Do you brush them?” 

“My teeth? Of course I brush my teeth, Bunce,” Baz replied, sounding offended. She raised her hands in mock surrender. 

“No, dipshit, I meant your fangs, specifically.” 

“Wh-- not… frequently?” He shook his head. “It never really occurs to me to brush them. Actually, I think my spit is antibacterial, since I’ve never gotten any diseases from drinking blood.” 

Penny hummed at that, but Simon looked unconvinced. 

“That’s… faulty,” he said. 

“How do you mean?” Baz asked. 

“I mean, just cause you’ve never gotten sick from blood-sucking, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t brush your fangs. Like, maybe you just have a really good immune system.” 

“You do realise that, if you argue that I _don’t_ have antiseptic spit, that would be horrible news for you?” Simon just looked conflicted at that, and didn’t respond. 

“Okay, for Simon’s sake,” Penny cut in, “let’s just say you do have antibacterial spit _for blood_. That doesn’t say anything for the fact that your fangs come out whenever you eat normal food.” 

“Why wouldn’t that apply to solid food as well?” 

“Because being resistant to diseases wouldn’t get rid of the problem with solid particles.” 

Baz nodded. “Okay, so, the brushing theory. I’ll try that and we’ll see how it goes.” 

Over the next few days, Simon and Penny nearly forgot about the whole issue with Baz’s teeth. However, they both noticed the decline in his kisses and frequent snacking. Simon decided to confront Baz on the third day, finding him standing in front of the bathroom mirror with his fangs bared. 

“Hey, darling,” he started, “how’re you?” Baz smiled a closed-lip smile at Simon’s reflection. 

“I’m fine,” he said sweetly, sliding an arm around Simon’s lower back. “And you?” Simon grinned up at him, finding the mild lisp that Baz had gained cute. 

“I’m good.” He paused for a moment, before adding, “A little worried ‘bout you, though.” Baz looked confused. 

“What do you mean, sunshine?” 

“You haven’t kissed me as much,” Simon pouted, “and you haven’t eaten as much lately.” Baz adopted an anxious expression upon hearing this, and pressed a kiss to his love’s forehead. 

“I’m sorry I caused you to fret,” he said sincerely. “I just didn’t want to bother you with my troubles.” Simon huffed and lightly smacked Baz’s arm. “I know, I know!” Baz cried. “Old habits die hard.” 

“Is it your fangs?” Simon asked gently, aware that Baz was still insecure about them. He nodded, looking down. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. They still hurt, and retracting them is even worse.” Simon hummed sympathetically. 

“Well… what are you doing?” Baz glanced at him from the corner of his eye. He grabbed his toothbrush to demonstrate. Simon stopped him almost immediately after he started scrubbing at his gums and teeth. 

“That’s way too rough, baby! No wonder you’re all screwed up.” 

“What do you mean? I’m just brushing them!” 

“No-- look,” Simon said, exasperatedly taking the toothbrush from Baz’s fingers, “you gotta do it like this.” He turned his back to the mirror and sat on the edge of the counter. He took Baz’s cheek in one hand, using his thumb and pointer finger to move his lips out of the way. Baz just let him, too surprised and perplexed to resist. Simon’s other hand held the brush, and he set to work on Baz’s fangs. 

Watching in the mirror, Baz understood what Simon meant by “too rough.” Compared to Simon’s gentle circles, Baz’s erratic zig-zags were brutal. His mouth was still sore, so he didn’t exactly _enjoy_ Simon’s handiwork, but it felt infinitely better than his own. 

They were finished after about a minute, and Baz tentatively ran his tongue over the beaten-up areas. His mouth tasted metallic. “Well,” he lisped, “as much as I _loved_ that,” Simon rolled his eyes, “it still hurts.” 

“Yeah, duh,” Simon said flatly, “it’s not gonna feel better right _now_ , not after your _violence_!” Baz replied with only a scoff. Simon grabbed his own toothbrush and smeared toothpaste onto it. 

Slipping his hand into Simon’s, Baz quietly said, “Thank you.” 

“What for?” Simon asked, muffled around the brush and foam in his mouth. 

“For-- for caring about this,” Baz responded, meaning so much more than just his fangs. Simon was well aware of Baz’s fear around being a vampire, a _monster_ in his mind. He was improving, but he still tended to air on the side of caution whenever the topic was brought up. It meant the whole world to him whenever Simon or Penny embraced all parts of him, and helped him cope with the shame. Every time Baz felt raw enough to thank them for just being _kind_ , Simon wanted to hold him and tell him over and over again how amazing he was until it finally got through his thick vampire skull. 

Instead, Simon simply squeezed Baz’s hand a little tighter, and said, “You’re welcome.”

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is @bazstastic!


End file.
